Thots...

You need feel no shame standing before the HOLY ONE who's blood removed it.
So then rejoice brothers and sisters, you are 100% approved before the Our Holy Maker!!
Come in to His presence boldly!
It honors His work on the cross to do so. =)
Walk in, face radiant, washed His blood!!!
He will be happy to see you!

Sometimes I still weep when I remember I'm Free.

My Daddy Gets His Girls Back

This Day the Kingdom of heaven has come near!
Crooked teeth, sores
Dirty streets, cold rooms
This is were they stay...
Good money, broken dreams
Living hell, normal girls
This is how they live...
But Oh I know something... I know something great
I know the Invisible One who knows their every thought
I know the Ones who keeps their tears
I know the One who never left
I know the One who wants them back
I know the One who loves
I know the One who lives on the cold streets, in the dirty rooms, with arms out reached.
I know the One who wins, the One who get’s what He wants.
I know the One who wants His baby girls
I know the One who get's them
I am His and He is mine
I’m spreading my net, I’m bringing them home...

A New Season...

It’s a new season. Over the years I have come to realize I love the change of seasons. I think I love the change, in between seasons time, because of the hint of the unknown. I love looking ahead and knowing things are going to change having an idea, but never knowing quite what it’s going to be like. Growing up in Co was super great because of this. It could snow as early as September and still warm up enough in October and to wear shorts. It snowed on my Birthday, June 5th one year after we had already had a few hot weeks. I happen to love extreme weather. Big blizzards, trenchal down pours, tornadoes, and thunder storms give me a thrill. I love coming in contact and witnessing power that is bigger than me. I love the feeling of sitting in side my warm cozy house watching a tornado touch down just half a mile away, and knowing for whatever reason that it can’t hurt me. I love getting snowed in for days. I love it when the rain comes down so hard things are moved. It’s an adventure of sorts. I love adventure. My first time to the beach when I was 17 I discovered my favorite thing to do was stand right were the big waves crashed. The waves would knock me off my feet, turn and twist me around and drop me back on the shore. Every time was different. Sometimes it was a short ride some times I thought I might pass out before I could get a breath. I came out bruised and scratched but I didn’t care. I loved the risk and yet knowing the beach was aways there and always soft. When I see a storm coming I love the not knowing how big and bad it’s going to be. When I see a wave coming I love not knowing how hard it’s going to hit. I love knowing my house is always strong enough and knowing the beach is always soft. Nieve? Yes I know I’ve already been informed by more than one person that my house just might not stand through the next twister, or that this time I just might get pulled down by the under current. It still doesn’t scare me, I love the risk and thrill way to much.

This love of risk and adventure and the unknown is something built in to me. It’s in my nature. For many years religion did it’s best to tell me I was foolish and that it was wiser to listen to fear. I fought it for a while as a young teen but when I grew a little older I started listening to the voice of the fear of man. I resisted that inside voice that told me it was ok to risk it all. I refused to let my self dream of what life could be like if I took some bigger than life risks. I longed for adventure, and the unknown but gave way to fear. Because I’m a daughter of the Most High, however I didn’t stay there very long. Last year Papa God reached down and delivered me. He has been restoring all He placed in my heart from the foundations of the earth. I’m taking risks again. It was a bit of a learning curve to get back in the saddle but I’m doing it and I love it now more than I did before, it gives me a thrill.
Father has spoken to me and told me I am on the brink of a new season. I love this and I kind of already knew it. Today as I walked home I was thinking about how great the last season was. What a marvelous Deliverer and Maker I serve. I was also meditating on the word He spoke to me about these seasons. He has said that the last season was merely an awakening to His life and love, This coming season I will move in to living more and more fulling in His life and love. Today as I walked home I got the same tingle feeling that I get when I see a wave coming, or a dark cloud, it starts at the back of my neck and goes down my back, out my arms and down my legs. I can’t wait. My house may not always be safe from a tornado, but I’m always safe in my Fathers arms. I may not always have strength enough to resist an under current but He has given my His strength. Where physical havens may fail My Father never does. So I will walk forward and be swept away in this new season, experiencing all the thrill and adventure of the unknown that I crave, knowing all the while my Papa is ALWAYS a safe place.

A new season...
My senses wait in anticipation.
My nose tingles
I imagine all the new scents that may come my way.
The skin on my arms and legs tightens bracing for the new air,
Will it be warm? Cool? Damp? Dry? Or maybe a glorious mix of all...
My eyes look forward looking beyond what I see waiting to catch a glimpse of what is to come.
Will it be Dark? Bold? Beautiful? Wild? Can it be seen?I don’t know...
What wild things will I get to do?
Will I get to jump? Dance? Sing? Scream? Laugh? Shout? Speak? Whisper?
What part of this crazy world will I come in contact with?
What new revelation of the Holy Creator will I have?
What more of heaven will I see and understand?
How far will I get to go?
What more can I see?
Oh the glorious unknown that I will soon know.
The wonderful unlived that I will soon live.
The unseen that I will soon see!
I love new seasons....

another thot...

If God is Love and God is without beginning or end and each of His attributes are never ending then I think it safe to assume the world has yet to fully see or experience His Love. There is still more to come....=)

A Glorious Fade...

Everyday the effects of my past life fade yet more and more...
Again and again I remember the old chains of doubt, and fear less and less...
My heart grows more and more sure of it's security in the Love of my God...
The old scares fade and fade....
The fear that use to rule my heart and mind is a more and more distant memory....

I love my new life, I love my Ever Faithful Lover.

My past will not define me, no.... It has been redeemed.

My Maker defines me. I am a created One.

I'm an orphan no longer....
One day I will know the full meaning of this fact but for now I'm just so thankful I know it.
Once upon a time I lived and thought like an orphan even though I was a daughter of heaven.
Now my mind is spinning as I spin in the arms of my King who is also my Papa.

I'm a daughter of Most High and a queen of heaven.
I love my life.

COME JOIN ME

Yes it’s true I look different
I’ve done all the things I wasn’t supposed to

My heart has never been so alive
I’ve come to realize this is what my Maker had in mind

No I don’t fit the mold yes I’m living on the edge
Call me a hippie call me wild
Say I’ve jumped ship, say I’ve gone off the deep end

Say what you will and think what you won’t
Label me and grieve for what you do not see...

But if you wish to know life, listen and watch with open heart for one moment
Before you close the door with me on the other side take a deeper look

You will see a heart that’s free,
You will see a heart that knows love greater than even imagined
You will see Joy, you will see Peace, you will see Love, you will see hope, growing strong made of a substance that is perfect and strong.

Close the door if you feel you must,
I won’t be held back I will continue to run in the fields of wild flowers,
The green grass will stain my pleased bare feet.
The sun will kiss my cheeks and I will live in bliss.

The simplicity of freedom and Grace with be where I live
Soaking up all goodness of Joy and peace.

If you ever wish to leave behind the world of guilt, comfort, and fear I’ll leave my door open.
But know this... to join me in this life will cost you all you hold, for to be held by the Maker of Life means you loose your strength to hold your own.

I will wait for you in the wild fields of beauty living every moment an adventure
If it’s many years before you come to find me I will be old and maybe gray
But you’ll know it’s me because the lines in my face will be a smile and my feet will still be stained.
I dare say by that time I may even be more lovely for all the years of soaking up Joy and Grace.

Think carefully friend I wish you to know life.....
Come join me on the other side....

Life of Heaven.

Love sends beauty after me to haunt me until my heart it melts and opens my eyes to Loves Grace. Joy a constant well, over flows when beauty opens my eyes and Grace catches me. I have found the greatest life when I give up and give in to let Love, Grace, Joy and beauty rule and reign in my life. A dream life? No I woke from my dream life to this reality. Reality is so much better when it’s real, tried and proven.

This is the life of Heaven...

Just a happy day!

Oh what glorious joy my heart finds in Christ Jesus my Lord!! Some times I just can't hold it in!!! All His works are good!! I LOVE His work it blows my mind every time!! Holy and worthy are You Lord for You are good and ALL You do is good!! I love all Your works!!

Just a Thot

I use to think I needed to hold on to this faith of mine, then I learned The One I have faith in is holding on to me.

From Asia to America...

My last days in China.... Oh I have come so far...
I’m not the same, I never will be again. The work Jesus did in me is so new and so irreversible. I love you My King my God. My Lord my redeemer. My Maker,
I want you forever more! I want you every day of my life.


I’m going back to the States... I have no idea what awaits me. I’m enjoying the bliss of no worries. The peace that surpasses understanding and feeling my weight in the hands of Grace. I’m a privileged daughter of the Most High King, all of heaven and earth is at my finger tip.
Rather than the anxiety that I felt last night I’m at perfect peace. Soon I will lift off and leave China, but not for good, the whole world is mine. I will be back one day to the lovely land of zhong guo, where my heart came alive and Father made me new, to the place I began to live again, the place I made real friends, the place my heart healed, the place I began living my dreams, the place my life started.

Zai Mei Guo I will still live. I will return not in defeat and not in fear but in victory and with great love. I’m a redeemed one, a living one, a made one. I am a royal daughter of the Most High I walk in authority and victory. I can and I will call down heaven when I need help. Daddy you always come through for me and I will forever be held in your hands. Nothing I can do will cause me to fall from Grace! At your feet is the same no matter what country I’m in. My place with You never changes. You are the same in D as you are in C-u.

Oh the Simplicity of the Gospel!

The goodness of the Father to reveal kingdom truths in every day life so simple we many times miss it or mock it. Father Holy One forgive us.
Brothers and sister the kingdom is not far off!! No it is near!! Oh it’s so simple and sweet! Let us not mock God and His kingdom by rejecting the simple truth because our pride makes us desire something that appears more spiritual then what the next person has. We strive after something that is unattainable all the while missing the simple life and love of our Maker.

Eye Contact...

Today I passed some prostitutes on the street....
I made eye contact with one just long enough to see the familiar emptiness I expected.
I tried making eye contact with some of the others but they conveniently looked other directions.

In the past I have described my self as a spiritual harlot slave. 6 Months ago I too conveniently avoided eye contact. I knew that familiar voice and feeling in my chest that would come over me when I knew someone was trying to make eye contact with me. The voice that said if I looked they would see right through me and know my weakness and wrongs. The voice had been there so long that I no longer remembered at the moment what my weakness were. I didn’t know why I was afraid, I had been afraid so long it was just normal for me. I would go about my day mostly normal with the exception of the small sneaky lies anxiety attacks that kept me from looking people in the eye. This was the outward symptom of the giant monstrous root issue inside. I knew I had a problem but I was to over whelmed with life to know what to do about it.

The emptiness I saw in that woman's eyes was the same emptiness I saw in the eyes of the brown orphans I met in Africa. The same emptiness I had seen in many who have been abused. I don’t know if these woman are forced to work this job or if they choose it for them selves. I do know this. When you are a victim, being forced against your will to fulfill the demands of another... at some point you try to own some of it. Being forced against your will for so long eventually makes you want to bend your will to go along. It hurts less if you own part of it and can lie to your self about it being your choice. It makes you feel like you have a say.

One wonderful thing I now know about my Savior is that even when I choose to leave the hope of his promise for the bending of my will to go along with my captures, His heart yearns for me with great compassion. I never knew until this year that God had compassion toward me.

Through the process of His love and salvation I have come to a new place. A place of Grace. A place of strength. I can now look others in the eye. I can look the prostitutes in the eyes with nothing but empathy and compassion for them cause in many ways I know what it’s like to be ashamed, I also know what it’s like to have my shame removed and to know the perfect healing truth of love. Real love. Today I couldn’t help remember a time where I would have been afraid to make eye contact with a sinner like the girls I saw today, but now I know that they are just normal people, struggling with many of the same fears, sorrows and burdens anyone of use does on a normal day.

I don’t know the future, but I do know that there is a reason I can relate to prostitutes now more than ever.

Truth

But what if Truth was not black and white....
What if it were a lie, a shadow, a haze to our vision that made us to see truth as black and white?
What if Truth was a myriad of glorious colors?
All swirling, mixing and enhancing each other.

What if truth was not black and white...
What if truth was music...
Full of passion, grace, life and love...

What if truth was not black and white...
What if it were motion....
A strong, pure, relentless dance

What if truth was not black and white...
What if truth was relationship
An embrace, that is warmth and safe

What if Truth was not harsh, was not shameful, was not an unreachable task master...
What if Truth was in fact full of life?
What if Truth made life, gave life, repaired life?
What if Truth was more than we dreamed?
What if Truth was all we needed?
What if Truth was sweet and safe?
What if Truth was actually all the life and love our abused broken hearts are in desperate need of?

What if Truth lead to life and not to death?
What if Truth was gentle?
What if Truth was not black and white?

Note: I'm not preaching that truth is relative, I'm simply stating that there is much more to truth than we may know. When I look at creation I see that God made many more colors than black and white. He made red and red no matter how you look at it is still red you can try to deny that it's red but that doesn't change the fact that it is still red. He also made blue, pink, purple, brown, grey, green.....

I’m Shannon L,

I’m Shannon L,
I was created by Divinity. My mind, heart, body and spirit bear the finger prints of the One who always was and always will be.
I’m the woman I was meant to be.
When He made me He created a never before known never before seen human being.
I am the divine work of the Most High.
He made me to rule with Him and I do.
He made me His child, to carry with me the authority of heaven.
When I speak heaven moves.
The work of my hands is also the work of Divinity for apart from Him I can do nothing.
I walk under an open heaven and all His riches are mine.

Because He is my Maker and Redeemer I am made new and made free.
I will not look the other way when injustice is seen I will beckon heaven to move and bring life. Heaven will because it is subject to my Divine Maker and Father who gave authority to me. I work with God.

I’m Shannon L, I’m the woman I was meant to be. I’m a daughter of Heaven.

More thots...

It stands to reason, If his creation was perfect and redemption brings us back to perfection and then beyond...that we will have more freedom life and liberty then Adam and Eve.

If we are to understand what we have in Salvation we must first understand what we had in creation.
I love creation. I love being outside I love watching bugs and animals. I love to study plants and earth science. One thing you will learn if you observer creation very long is that no two things are alike. Just take a look at the bugs... how many different species are there? To many to count. How many different kinds of trees, flowers, rocks, clouds, snow flakes.... I don't know either. Now imagine for a moment that Adam and Eve never sinned, do you think their children who all look the same, act the same, dress the same, like the same things, have the same dreams? I think it is safe to assume no. It wouldn’t be consistent with God’s character in how he revealed him self in the rest of creation. It would be much more consistent with his work to assume that each would be vastly different from each other and that they would all be able to live in great harmony with each other. This would be consistent with the rest of His creation and His character.

Ok so now fast forward 4-6000 years...the fall has happened but our great redemption has also come!! I happen to believe that the work of His blood is full and complete. Christ and Christ alone has redeemed us, it is not by works but by grace through faith alone. I believe most people who call them selves Christians would agree with these statements. However some where along the way I believe we have lost our consistency in how we interpret scripture. Why do I say this? Well...growing up in the conservative Christian circles I have noticed something... there is an unspoken or some times spoken expectation most of us have... it kind of looks/sounds like this... “Oh now that they are saved/have joined our denomination they will learn the right way to act/dress. Soon they will look and be like the rest of us.” In short we expect that once people see the “way” that they will conform. The circles I rubbed shoulders with expected skirts to get longer on girls, shirts to get less fitting. Some expected woman’s hair to get longer, other expected certain movies and music to be eliminated from home libraries. Most expected young peoples dating lives to conform to the popular courting doctrines that were being taught. Each group and church had their own exceptions some over lapped some were more strict then others some spoken some not, but still the exceptions were there big or small spoken or not they were there. Although none of us would say it or even think it in so many words we had these expectations because we thought we were doing it right or more biblical then the next person. We thought we were pleasing God by what we did and therefore if other peoples hearts were in the right place like ours they would begin to do the same things we did. At the time I didn’t see the folly in this line of thinking. I didn’t see the pride or self righteousness but most of all I didn’t see God’s love for what it really was. The real reason I thought this way was because I didn’t truly understand who my King was or how much he loved me. I didn’t understand how secure I was in His redemption and I didn’t understand what being His creation meant.

If we hold this line of thinking, these expectations, we have all had up next to scripture, If we look at them in contrast to His constant character reveled in creation and His redeeming work on the cross it is quite obvious that there are some discrepancies...in fact if we want to look just a bit deeper we can take a look at the Pharisees that Jesus talked to while He was on the earth. If you see what I see our expectations are much closer to that of the Pharisees then to the character of our wonderful Creator and Redeemer.

It is my belief that as each of us come to a greater knowledge of His love and are conformed more to His image we will become increasingly like our selves. With the effects of the fall loosing more and more influence on our thinking and Redemption bring us closer and closer to creation and eventually beyond we will become increasingly different from each other yet each one more and more like Him. As humans living free from sin in this world we will come more alive and be able to live in more and more liberty in how we dress, (Adam and Eve didn’t wear anything...just a thought ) in our dreams, how we act, our likes and dislikes etc...yes I happen to believe in a God who loves diversity and wants each of His children to reach their full potential in Him. I believe it is His greatest delight to redeem us and heal us and bring life from the springs he placed in out hearts. I happen to believe that creativity is one God’s strong points and that He is wild with his artistry.

I think we should have a new expectation...to have our minds blown by His creativity each time a lamb is brought back. We should expect Him to make the unexpected in each newly created redeemed heart.

I think the possibilities would be endless and really we would never again be able to expect people to conform to our idea of Christ likeness because He would be revealing Him self yet more and more every day with each heart He made new.

Birthday

So here I am about to turn 24 looking back over my life I feel the need to reflect. to take in to account and record how I view my life.
First I will list my expectations... When I was younger I fully expected to be married and have at least 2 kids by now. Yes and I thought that would enable me to be on the M field. However if I go farther back to before I had that expectation I will find my self at 12 years old ready to take the world by storm. I never dreamed of being married and didn’t think about having kids. I was going to change the world single handedly. just after 12years old... I think I was 15 I started getting smarter and becoming a better person. While I know my heart was sincere and I know God was gentle with me, I began to listen to the voice of fear, religion, and pride. I was still ready to take the world by storm but now I began to think that a husband was necessary to complete my value and place as a woman. I also filled my head with all kinds of lies that feed my pride. My nose grew long and my gaze went down. I gave fear reign of my mind and was haled as such a good girl and such a good daughter. It was around this time that I began to die on the inside. Religion always brings death. So began the long years of me trying to be some one I wasn’t. At the age of 24 I’m finally starting to come alive. I met Jesus and He saved me. I’m learning who I am, I’m learning how to talk to guys. I’m learning what I like and don’t like. I’m learning that Grace holds me, I don’t hold grace. All the dreams I built up for my self the first 23 years have fallen apart. All I thought I knew about God and the Bible have also crumbled around my feet. I’m rebuilding my life and my dreams. I’m rebuilding who I am, and who I want to be. I’m not married in fact I have not met a guy since R. In many ways I’m behind and playing catch up but I’m so glad I’m free. I know if I had chosen to stay in bondage I would still be sure of my self and comfortable. When given the choice though I chose freedom. As much as I feel like a fish out of water I would choose freedom again and again. I never want to live a bluff again, it cost me everything. Don’t ever want to do that again. I may not be liked. I may not be understood, but it is my prayer that I’m at the every least honest. I know and trust What God put in my heart. He did a very good job making me, one day I will be some one I like and some one who is all she is meant to be. Someday I may even get married. Someday...but for today.... I’m so glad I’m free.

Some more thots...

Learning to live a life that has no limitations placed on it and no fear to hold it back. Just think of the possibilities. Can’t help feel this is supposed to be normal life for every human.

My Theology has changed on the matter of the flesh. I use to believe we would fight our flesh until the day we died. I no longer believe this. I can not believe that His creation was perfect and that His blood brought complete redemption if I hold to the idea that our flesh still has a strong hold on us.

I must believe two things... That His creation is very good. His Blood is enough, totally and completely. The flesh was crucified with Christ. If we try frighting our flesh we are saying His blood could not complete the work. May it never be. I chose to believe that we as man and woman are the crowning glory of creation. We are marvelous amazing complete masterpieces each with potential beyond even our own imaginations. This in NO way stands against or in opposition to the Glory of our God, rather it bring Him great glory for His creation to be all He made them to be. I believe He intend us to be the most glorious of all beings in creation. We sadden His heart when we beat our selves down in to a false submission to please a god that is not our Creator. If we truly love Him and trust His great big hands of Grace to be enough for us our flesh will die and we will come fully alive under the blood of Christ.

I will no longer beat my heart or my mind to submit to a god who’s work is not enough for me. I will let the Great King of all heal my heart and set me free to be who He made me to be. I believe the Kingdom will grow and the world be turned upside down if I and my brothers and sister choose to live lives of wreck less abandon to Him for the sole reason that we love Him because He is just so good.

What I have learned Grace really is...

GRACE
Holding so tight to the rope of grace so as not to fall
My years I spent learning how to hold on tighter.

One day however I began to slip. I tried and I tried not to fall.
Fear gripped me as I realized I wasn’t strong enough to hold on.
All I had build my life to be flashed before my eyes as I began the long fall down
I watched as all the ground taken in my climb was lost.

I woke to find my self not on a sharp bed of rocks no... for this place was soft and strong.
I lay for a while grieving all the ground that was lost looking up at the mountain that seemed bigger now than ever. I worried I would never make it to the top. I worried my salvation I had lost and His love withdrawn.

Asleep I fell again in that place that was soft and strong to over whelmed to stay awake.

When I awoke a second time my mind in a panic I thought how soon I must start my climb again.
“But first I must know what this place is that is soft and strong”

I sat up to look around. So large was the place I lay that I felt small.
Then a deep whisper not in words rose from the place that was soft and strong.
Then I knew. Then I knew. All at once I knew.
These were the hands of Grace that caught me.These soft and strong hands were Grace not that rope I had held on to!
I looked back to the mountain and saw it in new light. Not a mountain at all but a tower. A tower build by men striving to get to heaven.

I lay back again over come by all that I saw.
Closed my eyes so I could better feel the soft strength that held me.
In my rest my hand let go of the last bit of rope I held on to.

When I awoke I was no longer wearing the climbing gear, no it had melted away.
In it’s place was the most beautiful dress I had ever seen.
My hands were soft again all the scars and calluses from years of work had been cleaned away.
My feet were also soft and flexible again. In my ears were leaves of gold, around my ankles were soft links of flowers.
I stood and found my legs had new strength too.

These great big hands of Grace are where I want to live my life. Grace is a lovely thing for it let me choose, for that, I want all the more to stay.

So I will live my life undone in the hands of Grace. Oh the bliss to know I need never climb again! Need never work again, need never worry again.
Yes to live in Grace is what I choose!
Grace has told me tails of all the wonderful things that I can know in His hands.
So I will spend the rest of my life not in striving but bliss learning about Love, Joy, Peace and Hope.
I will live my life learning all the greatness that is mine, not because I strived, no, but because He gives.

This is Grace.

To LIVE!!!

So our live were well planed and ready
Now they are messy, out of the lines
But they are beautiful to us

My life use to be so tightly strait and clean
But now, oh now it’s a lovely pile of Grace
I never knew beauty could be so untamed!
Never knew Joy could be so full.
Never knew Love was so freeing
Never knew life could be so wild and yet so safe.

Never knew beauty hunted me just waiting to break in to my life
Never knew I could live in such color
Never knew such music could spring from my heart
Never knew my dreams could grow again
Never knew I never knew....

Oh such bliss to really live!!!

I still think it’s up to me, I still feel guilt at times...
Father I need you I know this but right now i don’t feel it. Come change my heart, I give you permission to speak and do what ever you want in me. I trust you and i know i need you, come make me new again. Oh faithful one from of old I’m never out side of your love or you pleasure or your approval... Thank you for holding me, soften my heart again work in me the knowledge of you, teach and show me what life is all about.

I am a Midwife.

This life I choose is the life I know,
Sorrows come and sorrows go
I will walk and I will fall
But this life is what I choose,
This life is what I know
This life is why I live
For a season I walk this earth
I will take my place and stand by birth.
I will sing life and love and peace and joy over mothers and their children.
No fear will I bring
Honor and trust will be in my hands
For the One who made life and for the ones who hold life
I’m a Midwife.

Once I Knew

Ever been stripped of everything? Really everything? I have been and this is where I find my self today...in a safe place.


ONCE I KNEW
Once upon a time I was smart.
I knew what I knew.
I knew where I was going and where I was not.
I knew oh so much about life, right and wrong.

Once upon a time I was far along the road of knowledge.
I knew oh so much.
I knew my theology, knew my thoughts
I knew my world, what was and what was not.

Once upon a time I knew where I was going.
I knew what I was doing.
I knew who I was and who I was not.
I knew all I needed to know and where I needed to go.

Now?
Now I don’t know,
I don’t know where I’m going
I don’t know much about life, right or wrong.
My theology fell apart, what was is now not.
What I knew I now know not.

But I know Love and I know Grace
I’m undone and eternally safe
I’m free to live free to be
Free to fail and free to succeed.
I’m undone, but now I know love and now I love grace.

When I knew, I was bond
When I was sure, I was wrong
I’m free now being undone in love
I’m secure now being engulfed in grace.

Did you ever think?

Did you ever think this is where I would end up?
Did you ever think this would be me?
What you never knew always was
What you never saw was under the surface
Change? yes I did change
I through off my cover decided to be the real me
Did you ever think this would be me?
Did you ever know this was the real me?

I will not hesitate to walk away from religion every. time.

But this gospel is not of man it is of God. I will cling to my God but not to religion. Bust every box every stereo type every time. Forgive me Father, bring to You, let me loose of all that has abused.

What shall I do?

As one who was groomed to be a fashioned one of religion.
I was shaped with words that claimed to be truth.
My world was one made of human hands and one that fell apart.
Now I find my self in reality and my former world of religion has no power.
Hold on to my God yes, but what else?
Truth as I believed it to be was not
Now how do I know?

I want to live in a real world.
I don’t want to be a wonderer without a home any more.
What I live and what I do must from now on be real.
I can’t live in a dream any more.
If reality can’t be changed by truth, then it’s a “truth” I refuse to believe.

Real life and real dreams and real people.
This will be my anthem
Real.
If it’s not real and can not change real life I can not embrace it.
Father forgive me if this is wicked. I’m tired of living in a dream land.
I need reality. I can not be removed from real life any more. I must know how to relate to real people in a real way they can see, hear, know, feel and touch. Please don’t ask me to believe in good ideas anymore. I need only what is real. You are the God of reality teach me what is real and what is not. I can’t be a “Christian” any more. not until I can be a real Christian.


What happens when you crave reality but all you have been feed is illusion?

Until I know what is real all else will have to wait.

Fear is bondage and fear is abusive

I’m breaking free of fear. I’m breaking free of bondage.
I’m breaking free.

Fear I’m breaking free.

What...?

What happens when you just don’t like anything any more?
yeah i don’t know ether.

What happens when you as a person have been defined by things that don’t exist?
When you find out they don’t exist you feel as though you are no one any more.... how does one learn and define themselves when they are already grown....???
What culture am i from? i don’t know... I don’t like my cultural and i want to be part of the other one but I don’t fit in and I feel awkward there too... in between... will any one ever understand me? i really don’t know....I’m one with out a culture... this is the product of dead religion.

cultural nomad.... that is what I feel like....
I don’t want to be, I won’t be one forever. I will find my place in the world of people among those to I can connect with.

More That I Must Speak...

Yes religion is this bad.
These writings are mine. My story. The cold hard truth of my life. I do not believe I'm the only one. It's simply needs to be said with no sugar coating. With these words I don't mean to shame or to place guilt. It is simply my story and the story of many of us who grew up in bondage.

The temple
I have served as a temple harlot.
“What?” you say, “ I thought you were a Christian!”
So did I.
I thought I served One God but truly I served the lust of man.
I willingly surrendered to the lies
Giving my soul on the alter of religion.
Daily I was abused in the name of love.
Housed in a fine beautiful temple, given every comfort but denied every right.
I slept on silk and heard soft whispers from every man who came to me,
Yet my arms and legs were always bound.
I tried to be good. I did. I tried to accept my lot with a smile and discipline my heart to be submissive, but when a gazelle is made to run and live free,
The sweetest bondage is still bondage.
A prison cell will always be a prison cell.
A temple, a temple
Religion, will always be religion
Demanding the right to the soul.

Have pity Father,
I need a Savior.

Why are we leaving
Why are we growing up and leaving?
What does a flower do when it’s given just enough sunlight and water to survive but not to blossom?
It’s a mean curl joke to give life to a daughter then denier her the right to it,
Treated as the second class human that we are not.
Our souls have been starved, abused and enslaved!!
By the ones we know love us.
It’s a wicked joke.
Just give us time.
We need to sit in the sun and soak up the good rain.
We need freedom to find who we are.
Don’t call us back,
Don’t try to shame or guilt us.
If or when we come back it will be after we know who we are and it will be our choice.
We will choose for our selves what we will do and what we will not.
We will live life with every right we were ever denied
Don’t try to stop us.
We are gone.
Let us go.

Jesus Christ Save me.
A wicked sinner and broken temple harlot I am,
Giving my self to idols supposing to be serving you.
Willingly surrendering my heart and soul day by day to man after man who came preaching lies.
I have no more strength to see or to know
I’m confused and can’t figure it out
I’m tired of trying
Let me sleep
Heal my spirt Father
You alone do I trust.

Religion
Oppressors are all the same...
They whisper their lies slowly at first until you begin to understand and believe them.
They demand what is not theirs, but because you understand their lies you yield thinking you must to survive.
They give themselves the right to your heart, soul and body, thinking you belong to them and they can take all they want.
In the dark and silent place they crush and smoother.
By this time your voice is gone and you scream in silence.

I will not be one who goes down under their power.
My silent scream will be heard
I will no longer be one who dies in silence...

This voice will be heard a small week whisper at first but heard it will be
I will reach for hope and lay hold of it
Never letting go
Wrestling with it through the night Hope is mine.
I will hold on.

The Liberator is.
Seeing the oppressor and dyeing for the oppressed
He comes knowing full well how oppressors work.
The true Liberator also knows full well how to set the oppressed free
Heart
Soul
And body
His healing salve is like no other. It works perfectly...
But being one who loves and honors He sets free and waits for His rescued ones to ask and want his healing.
He is not like the oppressor doing what He wills to the weak.


This Weak one has been liberated and is learning how to live again.
Learning to dream again.
Learning what freedom is again.
Learning about what is inside and out side.
Life is what? This is the question I have and answer I don’t.
Freedom is to sweet to believe at first.
Now I believe it but know not how to live it.
Day by day I will learn more about freedom,
About beauty, love, life and all else I do not know.

My heart is hungry...
Now I will feast on what I have not known.

This hungry heart is...on a quest
It will learn to learn again...
It will to learn to love again...
To learn what it likes and dislikes are again...
To learn what it was meant to be
To learn to dance again...

Leave it all behind I must!
To be free to be free
For so long bondage lied to me
Saying comfort was worth the prison cell.
No more.
I’m walking out.
I’m gone.

Being accustomed to dry bead and water I will feast on all things good.
My senses will learn to discover again.
I will feast until I’m well rounded and nurtured again.
My hungry Soul I will not be denied now, the fast is broken, it’s time to feast.

Little Lass

This one is still in the rough draft stage but I wanted to post in anyway.

Little lass
Little lass of 5,
Golden silk for hair
Dancing every where you go
Every dance you dreamed of you have dance and more.

Little lass learning to dream
Learning who you are
Learning what life is all about
You have learned all you wanted to and more

Little lass
Wanting life
Searching for identity
Your identity you have found and more
Little lass
Dreaming of the woman you will be
Hungary for a life full of adventure and beauty
Adventure and beauty beyond your dreams you have known and more

Little lass
Living in bondage
Your heart knows but your mined does not
Abuse you will know and more

Little lass
Remember how you use to fight with mom?
Rest assured she was wrong
Worry not, this bondage you find your self living under will soon lose

Little lass
With heart full of dreams
Fear has come and silenced for a bit but worry not
Love will come

Little lass you did not marry young but you are glad of it
You learned you didn’t need to marry to follow your dreams

Little lass the far away lands you dreamed of you have seen and more
The woman you always wanted to be you have become and more
The beggars know your kind face and smile when you come
All the passion you wanted to live with you do and more
All the freedom you wanted you have and more
All the painting you wanted to do you will and all the writing you wanted to do you have and more

Life is bigger and better than you ever thought it would be
The shackles have come off and the free spirit you always were you now are free to be
Living under an open heaven you need never play the harlot again
You are no longer an orphan and need never think or live like one again.

Little lass you are free.
Little lass you are me.

Deep Pools

Oh Deep frozen pools come,
Dormant, closed pools come,
Come alive again....

Deep pools once full of life
Abused, broken, tainted
Come to life again

Giver of life has breathed once again
Flowing life to the deep places
Fresh Living Water will come

Living water will heal the broken
Stir the still, open the closed
Come Living Water

Once told lies,
Now know truth
Come come to life again

Once of the undertow of death
Now in the current of life
Come come deeper


Pools of small bring forth great
Pools of insignificance birth divine
Come come alive

Living Water’s celestial flow will fully revive His fashioned ones
Life is His desire and purpose
Come Living Water Come

Bring Spring again...

This is Reality.

What is this new reality I find my self in? New? No, not new. For reality can not be new. No I believe I’m just awakening to it. I believe I was in a kind of dream a dream where darkness dominated. I remember having more faith in the power of darkness than in the power of light to over come it. Darkness seemed to be all around. I feared the darkness. It looked very big to me. The memories of that dream are fading now. Day by day that dream I remember less. I find my self now in reality. In the real world darkness is loosing, it’s not as big and bad as I use to think. As If I walked out of a mist, the world did not change it’s just that I can see it clearer now. I see darkens is but a small shadow that tried to plague my view. In reality light is bigger and stronger. Love reigns supreme. Mercy and Grace trump all. Oh Mercy and Grace what strength they have. What glorious appearance, they have. Words can not describe the vigor, and brilliance Grace and Mercy cloak them selves in. My eyes never saw anything more gentle and yet unyielding. No amount of the force of darkens can depress or impair the work of Mercy and Grace. Thier work is sure and fine.

Then Love? Oh Love, my lips are to to clumsy to describe Love. The more I look and gaze upon Love the more I see and less I know. Love can not be described by human words it’s to grand and glorious. In my past dream Darkness tried desperately to convince me that love was small and defendable. No Love does not need a defender. Love is the defender, protecter, that one who knows and sees all. Love is great and worthy to be praised. Love is the healer and no hurt is beyond His healing salve.

This, this is reality.

Best year yet!

2010 is over. Closing the BEST year of my life so far. It was started with a blast. 2009 was a one of the hardest, it ended with healing and break through. I started 2010 a new person. The layers of bondage the Father set me free from are journaled here in my Blog. Thank you all for reading my story, commenting and being apart of it. I'm very thankful for a place like this to post my writings, processing, and victories.
I fully expect 2011 to be even better. My King is running the show. He is the best! I can't wait to see what He does!